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Journal:This is a page I write down what has happened each day, to put down my feelings and thoughts (might be lots of mispelling words).


8/14/99: 10:36pm.

Didn't do much, went to China Town with mom in the afternoon, had Beijin duck for dinner...that's all....

8/13/99: 11:36pm.

I just woke up....dad was fixing the old computer..seems like the moden is broken...great....I don't think there's anything chance I would get to take the good computer to school. I am still really really pissed...but no body cares so I'll just be pissed forever.

I promised Shirley I will draw her something so I better do it now since I forgot to do it this afternoon. My mood gets worse and worse...I feel like my head's gonna blow any second. Music doesn't help much this time..they just made it worse. I thought shopping can cure everything...actually it doesn't do any good either.

You know what I really want to do for the next 3 to 4 hours?....I want to sit in mountain Bonnel alone and just watch the view....so quiet, and just look at the view I would feel so much better. Or I could sit in Mozart Caffee shop( it's close by now), and look at the lake, and maybe cry a bit and get all my anger and dissapointment out....close my eyes and listen to the water...maybe jump in I don't know....

8/12/99: 10:48pm.

Yep I've done it...just added my guest book so I wonder who would sign it....I don't really feel like begging people to sign my guest book so I'll just leave it there and see if anyone cares, which I doubt.

I found out that mom won't let me take the good computer to school, and I am left with the computer I didnt' expect to take to school...I got pissed, and I didn't feel like doing anything today....I dont' think I even want to take that old computer with me..I rather not have a computer at all if I have to take that to school. I sacrificed so much to give my old computer to my cousin and now I am left with something close to my 486...what the heck...why is people taking everything from me now....I feel like all the memories are been taken away and those people really don't care....I had to delete all my emails from friends and yeah it's just garbage for them.

I was in a really really really REALLY bad mood today. Suddently all the anger came out. Mom asked me why I was in a bad mood...duh....I think she knows..and she does....because I heard her telling dad what happen ( the computer incident). Of course she doesn't know the whole story why I am in bad mood....no one knows. So why do adult have to pretend like they care and act so fake?....

I decided to pack early..TODAY....I think it's crap to tell me that I can't have a nice computer just because I'm not a cs major, everyone knows a good computer is important because of entertainment such as mp3, and huge memories for all sort of stuffs.

8/11/99: 10:50pm.

I gotta find someone to help me for the moving or I won't get any help at all! Hugh seems to be busy, so is Peter...

I haven't drove since last Thursday...I still dont' wanna drive....actually...I want to drive again but I dont' know if my mom would let me if I mention it...so I didn't bother to mention it...

Just one and half week to go till I go back to school. I havne't pack much yet, I don't know what to expect when I go back....it's gonna be so different...*sigh*

Shirley is online and talking about who's gonna bring the big knive ( for cooking) to school...sounds so funny....but I am telling her that I will bring the veggie cutting board and .....man it just sounds so funny and weird!....ha...Shirley's gonna bring a used tv...yes that means I get to watch Felicity and Buffy and Dawson and Charmed.

When I was little, I couldn't keep any secret. If I liked anyone in school I would just tell my family out loud...and I would tell them all the stuffs. But now it's like I keep so much inside I am about to go crazy....but no I still should keep things to myself because I've learn the result of telling people too much.

8/10/99: 10:42pm.

Today....hm....nothing much.....I went roller skate today for the first time since two weeks ago I think...I haven't exercise for a long time...I guess I got lazy..

Last night I couldn't sleep....No matter what I lay on my bed and think about things and just so much stuffs in my mind...I think about EVERYTHING....and even though it was really really late..or early, my head kept think about everything that happend to me in high school and college....so much memories. I left the radio on and didn't know when I fell asleep....but I keep waking up because I heard music playing, and it's weird I didn't try to turn off the radio...and it was getting irritating..

Seems like all the songs I have in the cds are boring now...I need new songs...and I'm trying to find some Kit Chan's songs online to record....I just need new songs...

8/9/99: 10:34pm.

Didn't do anything exciting today....except this's the first day I played violin since the car accident. I BEGGED mom to take me to the bank to get a ATM card....but she insisted that I get up early before 9:00am. and go to the bank tomorrow...ATM card would be just like credit card..that's the cool thing about it. I dont' have to write check anymore!!!....YES..!

Ohhh...I remembered...Today I cleaned the bathroom in the morning...but it was my sister who really cleaned it!...I only cleaned the tilt because she re-cleaned the bath-tub...she also made everything so organized..thanx sis....

I am so depressed....AGAIN YEAH......I don't feel like seening anyone.....Today I started to sing karoke...but my throat is like stuck...I haven't had karoke for a long time and today I couldn't sing....and the songs are getting boring...I need new songs to sing other than Valen's songs....

8/8/99: 10:11pm.

I had a really really REALLY weird dream last night....but neh...not worth to tell...to embarassing to tell too....

So I went to Sams with mom today, and bought microwave. I guess I didn't do much today, I dont' know what to write for today. Few days ago I listened to Kit Chan's song...I really like her songs. I use to like 104 KRBE so much...and now I don't really listen to it at all. I turn to R&B and 99.1. I guess my taste has changed.

8/7/99: 10:12pm.

I dreamed I was a detective and was in a small town with a partner to stop this guy from killing two babies...and "I" saved the two babies and stopped the bad guy!...it was so cool...I've always day dreamed of being some FBI out to save the world...few years earlier my mom actually wanted me to be a police woman!...how about a spy??? That sounds nice...dream on dork....

Today is a really really nice day!.....I got up late, and didn't get the shouting from mom at all!...wow.....practiced piano, and played some chinese pop...went shopping today...man...it was cool. I guess I go shopping so much because I feel that's the only thing that can make me happy...of course I know that's not the way to deal with depression.

Late afternoon dad called me to go fix the garage with him. Man I destroyed part of the wall!...looking from the outside it's like bended!....and dad has to put the wall inward....terrible. The scary thing is that if I didn't have this thing on the ground to stop me from going I probably would have went throug the garage wall....

I guess the bad thing about today is that mom said I won't be able to get my driver license until I am 21 years old....that's pretty old....When I saw CRV on the street mom said " don't even think about having a car."....I think this incident will be brought up a lot from now on...oh what a miserable life...Another " I TOLD YOU SO" conversation....

8/6/99: 10:44pm.

Let's see...didn't drive today....what else did I do????....basically NOTHING...I did go to buy some daily stuff with mom since this weekend some stuff are non-tax. I really don't know what to write today...I tried on the daily kind of contect..man I don't like it..it's not as clear as the monthly one...but can't return so now i got like 20 pairs to use!!!!....I can't wait when I am done with all of them then I can get new monthly kind....

8/5/99: 10:42pm.

Today started with a terrible accident....I drove in the morning, and when coming in the garage I don't know what happen my mom was shouting STOP STOP...my foot was on the accelerator I panic I hit the garage wall....I am so dead and I am such an idiot!......I am so scared of driving now....I mean...the more I think about that few seconds I put my foot on accelerator instead of brake the more my head goes crazy.....then I imaging the garage wall as a person walking on the street....I would have kill that guy.....it's so scary...I think I will definitly have a nightmare tonight...my first car accident...in the garage..I broke the supporting wood for the garage so dad would need to fix it soon...I feel so bad...I won't drive at all this whole week I think I need a break...a long break maybe...I probably accelerated really really fast cause I step on it really really hard like a sudden stop. I feel so bad I cried after I went in my room....I wish I had a shoulder to cry on...but there was none...my sister didnt' talk to me, my mom won't talk to me either...until before dinner...she mentioned the accident again...and got mad again...

After dinner I went for a swim...saw my high school friend Jeff...but didn't even say hi to him....but I did feel better after the swim...still I am just sort of still in a shock....never thought somethign like this could happen to me...*sigh* how do I sleep.....

8/4/99: 11:21pm.

Nothing much to say today...I did the same stuffs.

This afternoon I went with mom to China Town, bought some peach jello and Lee Chee Jello...they are soooo GOOD!...

I heard the song " Don't Want to Lose you"...wait....loose or lose?...ah my grammar is bad...anyways, the song was good...just the song I want to hear right now....

I watched Dawson's Creek today...also Charmed......in Charmed there was this chinese guy who is really really cute....even though I watched this episal the second time...I still like it a lot. I wonder what that actor's name is..hm....he reminds me of someone.....

Man if random people don't stop asking for authorization from me I'm gonna write something mean like "STOP TRYING TO ADD ME YOU PERVERT!"

8/3/99: 10:46pm.

Today I did so much!....I drove in William Trace!...wow it was exciting...first time driving in a big road!...of course I am not good enough yet to drive in highway 6...definitly gonna freak out....

Mom took us to watch a movie today...but we didn't get the schedule and when we got there the movie already started and we would have to wait for 2 hours!...so we didn't watch it....we went to $1.00 stores and bought some junk....like the lock I need for my locker in the music building...and the food cutting board I would need when cooking...yeah like I'm gonna buy meat to cut....I think I'll just be a vegetarian that would be lot easier =)....mom would kill me for that...

I watched Felicity today. It was really good. Felicity let this guy record her relationship with Noeh....she said something that really cought me....You never know what you have until you've lost it.....it's so true. I mean...I never knew what I had, and was always looking at the past happiness. God it's so hard to describe this feeling but it's like I've always thought that I would never fall in love again after Sitson. I kept that in mind and thought if I don't mention the word nothing would happen...but I was wrong. Now I've lost something so important to me that I realized I HAD everything and it was really dumb to look at the past all the time while I had everything...and didn't really treasure it. Ok I dont' think what I'm writing makes any sense except for me..All I'm saying is that I've always thought about the past that I miss the better things I have right now. I guess it happns to a lot of people...

Man...love is so hard. It's just hard period. Why is it so hard?...I don't know. I guess the hardest thing about bf/gf compare to just simply friend is that you don't want to disappoint your bf/gf. When you're friends, you say things you like, knowing that your friend would still be your friend. You wouldn't really care if you look like a mess, or if you look like a frog wearing glasses..or if you are fat or blah blah blah.....If he doens't like what you like, then fine, you're still good friends. But when you're in a relationship, a little thing he says can hurt so much. What if he doens't like this and that and blah.....Maybe a really deeper love is when you pass this wall.

I think I am a bit too crazy today...I just want to share my thought, but I don't think I am explainning it really clearly...maybe the only one who understand what I'm writing is ME myself...man if it was some paper for class then I'll definitly get a F for it. But I'm not gonna erase anything...........love is hard but not love is even harder......

One last thing...I get these weird people from Russia, Saudi Arabia in icq asking me to authorize them...am I the only one????....and...is it because I put my country as Zimbabwe (where is it?)?...hmmmm.....

8/2/99: 11:18pm.

Today I practiced driving again, but this time with my dad and my sister in the car. I got to drive more than just subdivision this time...But I met some tough spots that needed some more practice. I am still afraid to go to the big road with traffic light though..maybe I will do that tomorrow.

In the afternoon my mom took us to shopping...and bought me and my sister a pair of sandle...they are really cool =)

I went to play tennie tonight...it was alwsome!....I played for an hour, then came back and had a HUGE watermalon to eat...took a shower and went to Wellgreen with mom. They got these rebate stuffs that are free ...and I got some really cool pens for school!...but when we got back it was 11:00pm already...ok maybe I should do something other than sleep....I should listen to music!....night.

8/1/99: 11:01pm.

Wow it's the first day of August today!...this's the month that school will start =(.....Don't know how I feel...I can't wait to get back to Austin, but same time I am scared of school again...This semester the classes are gonna be harder...

Today I got up at 8:00am...went to drive again...I drove around our subdivision, didn't go to the big street though...Maybe tomorrow I would. We went for dim sum today, it was really good, haven't had such good chinese food for a long time...

Has anyone heard of the guy Zhe Kuo?...well I think his songs are really good, sort of have some orchestra in the beginning and middle, so it's sort of unique. If you have time check it out at popstation.

7/31/99: 10:56pm.

Today I went to practice driving in the morning. I drove in the mall, which has very few cars. I had lots of fun because I got to drive in the road of the mall instead of parking lot all the time. I was really bad at parking though...can't seem to get it right.

Jennifer and I went to the mall today...but didn't buy anything. It's just too bad that we were out of time when I told her I want to visit the Disney store...it was another 5 min visit and then I was forced to leave =(....this ALWAYS happens in the Disney store!...

Got the piano tuned today, now the sound is very nice. I am watching Saturday night live. It's so funny, and today's host is Dawson!...YES!..he is so cute.

7/30/99: 10:29pm.

Guess what I got my driving permit today!...I was begging my mom not to take me to the driving place to take the test today, but still, after practicing piano, I went back to review the book. I went there, and it was pretty easy except some stuff about drunk driving and license suspended stuff...

Tonight after dinner my parents and I went for a walk, we walked to the mall!...pretty far...and I bought a pair of sun glasses....but walking is TIRESOM!......

I am pretty depressed now, because my ears are tired of people criticizing me this and that...Tomorrow I have to get up at 7:00 to practice driving in the mall's parking lot...I am exciting about that!....I want to drive so bad now....but still I wish if I had bf he would drive me everywhere. I feel so hopeless now..

7/29/99: 10:56pm.

People around me are getting too predictable...whenever my mom calls me I can just predict what she's gonna ask me to do. My dad....I think we are not as close as before. It's like I don't really want any guy to touch me or hug me. I rather stay away from them....

My mom was planning to take me to the driving test tomorrow, but I don't think I am ready....I didn't review much today...it's so much pain reading those signs and stuff...I hate reading period...

Today is Sitson's birthday, he turned 23 today. Happy Birthday Sitson. I got my summer school grades today, I got A on History I, and B on HistoryII....yahoo..I thought I was gonna get C on HistoryII...but I didn't!....waoooooo...suddently so many peoplel are online.

Oh I got up at 8:30 am today!....It was a pain though...because I couldn't sleep last night I just lay on the bed until the radio says 1:05am and I realized I MUST fall asleep quickly or I won't be able to get up that early today! I listen to music so much everyday just to get the depressing stuffs out of my head, but it doesn't really work....just makes me think about it more.

I got a BIG HUGE bruise on my right knee...so ugly.....so so so so so ugly!....and my right elbow...I got bruise there too, and the scratches I made due to the injury. My bone is worse...this morning my right hand bone were hurting, and my big butt I fall on hurts too!!!

7/28/99: 10:46pm.

Today I got up later than 9:00am!...I think my mom is pissed she didn't talk to me in the morning....then at night she told me blah I gotta get up at 8:00 from now on and I am like...what???!@!#$%...I get up at 8:00am when I am in school...this is SUMMER!!!!! Oh well.......too bad my mom thinks time is everything and you can't waste any of them sleeping listening to music...

I did the same old stuffs today...( piano, violin)...But I did something else...I sew my cloth in the afternoon. It's Haaaard....I am gonna ruin my cloths....I also went to in-line skate today....it was a bad day to do that...I was skating really well until the way home, I passed by this house, they had this big tree that needed to be cut and was blocking the way. There were water in the shade and the road was in a turn. I tried to turn and in the same time tried to get away from the tree...and the tree was too low I ended up flying in the air then hit my right knee and my right elbow...man..I was about to break my bones...it was embarassing, but I got up fast and rolled home.. then I was saying in my heart OUCH THAT HURTS!!!!! fortunally no one saw me...maybe the teens in the house saw me fell..we went to the same high school too! .man I can sue them for this....ouch....when I got home guess what my sister said!...I TOLD YOU TO BE CAREFUL, IT'S DANGEROUS SKATING OUT THERE! blah ...so predictable....that's what people tells you when you're hurt...same old " I TOLD YOU SO."

7/27/99: 10:20pm.

I finished the whole driving handbook today...I just need to review the questions in the back tomorrow then I should be ready to take the test! Today I watched Felicity. Part of Felicity's life is so similar to my life right now....

I had three bad hair days including today. My hair seems to be so mass up. Wait...is it mess up or mass up?...I use to play this game with Sitson over the mess up and mass up thing...One time I said SHOUT UP....how ironic..ha...another time I said crab instead of crap...yeah....I use to like the word crap so much. Whenever I was mad I say stuff with the word crap in it. But I haven't use that word for a long time...I dont' think I like it anymore.

Have you ever heard the song by Maria Carey and Whitney Houston called When You Believe?....I am not sure if the name is right, but it's something about believe. It's the song for the cartoon Prince of Egypt. The song is really good so check it out.

7/26/99: 10:36pm.

Today I still got up arond 9:00am...I just can't help it!....But I did do some stuff today. I practiced piano, and in the afternoon, I reviewed that drivers handbook. I finished half of it, pretty fast huh?!=) I will read another half tomorrow hopefully I could finish this week and take that test.

Tonight I went to play tennis, man it was exciting! I played so much and I gave many really strong and nice shots. I love tennis, it's so fun. I also like volleyball, but volleyball requires a lot of people to play or it wouldn't be fun.

Even though I had a lot of fun I feel depressed and moody right now. I dont' think people really care about my new homepage...maybe I'm the only one who's interested in doing it....

I feel very distant with many close friends recently. I don't know I feel like I can't trust anyone. I dont' feel as close to them as I did before. It's like I don't want to share my thoughts or problems with anyone. I keep it in my heart and I think about it all the time but can't do anything.

7/25/99: 11:13 pm.

This morning I got up, went to Jennifer Hong's house, and watched two video of those taiwanese entertainment stuff like Super Sunday. They were pretty interesting. I also borrowed N Sync and 98 degree cd from her. They were good. I love that I drive myself crazy song by N Sync. I listen it REPEATED like thousand times...

Ah this afternoon I went to Comp USA and my sister bought a CD burner. But guess what it won't install on the computer she is using, so now she put the cd burner on the compaq computer that I was gonna take to school. That means I will be taking the best computer in our house to school!.....I dont' know what to say, I don't know if I should be happy or not, because I really like the compaq one, it's so cool I think.

I better go to sleep now, my dad is standing behind me PEEPING?!?!?!? I don't know....he ALWAYS DOES THIS!!!! Sometime he would play guitar in the room and I see him looking at my computer because my screen is black hehehe...anyways....good night.

7/24/99: 11:01 pm.

This morning, I got up and went to supermarket with mom. We bought so much food!...I got a big bottle of Le Chee Jello..I LOVE IT! I thought today would be a very good day, until I got an email from a friends, telling me that one of the piano professor past away early July. It's a terrible news, because Dr. Race is such a nice person and great professor. Then my friend also told me that she won't be taking the night class with me this semester. This means I am 100% sure I won't have a ride home late night, and if my class didn't end on time...oh I would have to wait in front of the art buildling ALONE waiting for that bus which comes every 1/2 hour....oh that's horrible.....=(.....what am I gonna do?!?!?!?!?

Tomorrow I might go to Jennifer Hong's house to play, and also, my mom suggested to watch movie tomorrow, but not sure yet. I want to watch The Hunted, looks like it's a good movie. Also I want to watch Big Daddy, looks like it's a really funny and cute movie. Oh there are so many movies coming out that I really want to watch.

Oh mean I just realized that I put All the journal dates April instead of July...man....and I did it for....A WHOLE WEEK!....weirdo duh...blah...!@#$%

7/23/99: 11:55pm.

This's so cool I am writing my journal almost the same time as yesterday. I went shopping today, and it was great!...I bought some really cool cloths. I am thinking of buying those side backpack I see the fine art students wear....I mean...it's like almost all art student use that. I heard from some one who told me it was really gay to wear those, but I think it's really cool. Alex use to wear that in high school.

Today I played more piano, I was gonna go to UH with Jennifer Hong tomorrow to borrow some music, but I found out the library won't open on Saturday =(....I actually want to check out the music school in UH, but I guess I won't get the chance.

I still can't wake up before 9:00am. I told myself that I want to get my driver license this summer, but seems like I am doing NOTHING to acomplish that goal....I better read those boring stuff and take the written test ( would I pass????). I mean I am 19 and most of my friends got their driver's license long long time ago, and some of them are laughing at me..."WHAT? You can't DRIVE yet????? It's SOOOOO easy! I got my driver's license the day I turned 16!"........sooooooooooo?????? My 5 miles per hour driving is pretty good though =)

I think I lost my student ID card...man...that means I need to spend $10 to get a new one, and that means I would get a "NEW UGLY FACE" on my ID card. Believe me the picture we take for the id card is always worse than the driver's license one....

7/22/99: 11:54pm

I think today would be the last day I can get up at 9:00am. My mom wants me to get up earlier from now on, and can't wear pajama all day at home =(...I think it's so comfortable to wear pajama ALL DAY long at home..

I've been having weird dreams lately, and every night I would have at least one bad dream and one good dream. When I wake up I always feel so depressed because the good dream is just a dream.

Today I practiced piano....my fingers don't hurt anymore. Did I mention that I broke a piano string recently?? ha....man....scared my mom..she thinks I got like super power or something...I watched You've Got Mail today, it was very romantic, better than Stepmom I thought. I skipped the middle part to talk to my friend on the phone though....found out I can't move in the weekend before school starts..man...that sucks....I would have to live with my sister during the weekend, then find some way to move to West Campus....yeah like who on the earth would be willing to help me move.*sigh*...oh back to what I did today. I played violin again!....it was a nice practice.....

Guess what Hugh is online, so is Caroline!....they are talking to me. I just asked Hugh is he likes Bean since I just changed my nick name to Miss. Bean. He told me "as long as it makes him FART!" .....why did I ask such a dumb question hm.......good night.

7/21/99: 10:35pm

Last night I had this wonderful wonderful dream, well...it was actually really scary the first part. It was about two men in black trying to catch me and my cousin. We were running hiding everywhere in the school campus, and in the end we were separated and I spend the whole night walking in the campus till morning. I was so scared. Of course the place I walked through it was a totally different place compare to the real UT campus, but the dream all happend in the campus. Then the rest of the dream was good....but I don't think I should talk about it, because when I woke up it was ONLY a dream...that's too bad.....

Just finished showering...I actually got to go roller skate today!....but just by myself, since my sister wanted to watch tv at home. I also played piano today, but my finger is getting worse. The best thing I did today has to be the violin practice. I was taking my musics out to review, and realized I need some really hard practice. My scales were not in tune. See the hard thing about violin is when you didn't play it for so long your finger position changes, and most time you are having trouble playing the right tune( most time it's a little bit too hight or too low), that's why I needed to play everything slow, and get my tune right first. Over all I enjoyed the practice very much =)

My sister says that I've improved a lot on this new webpage I am doing...I was so happy to hear that...I thought it was all that tough and now I realized it's actually really simple, just a bit time consuming.

Today I watched Stepmom, it was a ok movie....I heard people cry watching this movie, but I didn't. My sister also rented You've Got Mail.....*sigh* I wonder what my parents would comment on my online relationship last year after the movie.

It's too early I can't sleep...but everyone's sleeping!....

7/20/99: 12:00am

People can be so cruel sometimes, sometimes you wonder if you really know that person. Don't you just hate people who completely ignores you, like you don't have feeling and like you never existed? What do you do? I think the greatest pain in life is not to die, but to be ignored by someone you love.

Couldn't sleep tonight again, didn't play much piano either, nor did I play tennis. I did watch Felicity, which was interesting. Seems like everything on tv these days is about couples breaking up.

I had a really bad dream last night, and a good dream, but when I woke up they were just dreams. I try not to remember how he looked like but I still see his face in my dream. Tonight, My mind wanted me to remember his face, but I don't want to, so I stop thinking, I want to forget him, forget how he looked like.

7/19/99: 11:00pm

Today was a nice day, I practiced about 2 hours of piano, but my fingers hurt because I cut my left hand middle and 4th finger too short =(....so my scales were not good. Today I started to work on my webpage...I thought of using some other title, but still I think strawberry girl is special to me, so I don't want to change. I was still a bit moody today, didn't play tennis either. Maybe tomorrow I would play some more tennis. I really want to go shooping, but I dont' think my mom would take me to shopping *sigh* I wish I could drive....oh by the way, I am gonna learn driving this summer, and hopefully get a temporary license...did I spell license right?

I am so glad I got my picture section almost done...I just realized that I got a lot of pictures scanned...but I want to put up more picture of my friends...need to scann them too. I am having trouble putting those really cute strawberries images on the homepage...I need help!....Today I was telling a friend about my new homepage...he laughed and asked if I was gonna have pink back ground and strawberries everywhere AGAIN...and I told him I was gonna put a HUGE strawberry link image..Chris that's YOU! =) Am I writting too much Journal for one day?????....Maybe I shouldn't write it everyday I am sure no one reads it anyways.....but writting is so slow and typing is just lot faster.

People find me boring isn't it? I am boring with my boring thoughts....I am not funny enough, not open enough ( toward many people), and always scared to do things. But I am not boring, I think am creative, and I can imagine things you could never imagine...too bad I am about to loose that. I day-dream a lot, but I could make that happen in real life too..Guys find me boring because I don't wear pretty dresses, nice make-up, or whatever they think. I think i am fat and ugly though.

Wow it's rainning hard and very windy outside!!!....better shut down my computer now. Did I mention I get to take my sister's computer to school next year???? It's so cool....I get to finally have a "modern" computer with sound card and everything. YAHOOOOO! Going to sleep now. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.........


The more I think about next year of school the more I am depressed. Caroline and Richard are gone, so is Hanshung. I am all alone living in West Campus, and my sister, Jennie, and many others are gonna living far far away in Red River. Sean, Wing, and Viv are living in dorm, that's pretty far too =( Just found out Jerry is living in North Campus. Everyone's like separated...and most of us don't even have car...that's sad =(......And since I'll be living off campus, I HAVE to take bus at night when I come back from music building, what if I miss the bus!...I'll be walking home that's terrible. Plus the night class...Ah I don't want to think about it I think this's gonna be the worst year....from what has happend this year I think it would be my worst year ever....I think I got bad luck, not in school but in other stuffs...but I've learn so much and I feel like I've grown up so much, and maybe I won't be immature like everybody think I am anymore.

I trust people too easily, and I guess Sitson's right I would get hurt one day....I already did. But I am so stubborn I won't listen to my friends and until I get hurt ....well I still don't listen to them. I don't like to talk about a lot of things to my friends and family because I've always felt that most people either laugh at my problem, or say " I TOLD YOU SO!" These words just make me more upset and moody, so what's the point of telling people stuffs?......Sometimes I feel so stressed out about "growing up." Stressed out about what other people expect me to do at my age, telling me I am missing this and that. Having imaginary friends seems to be "immature" and "crazy", and being hyper all the time seems to be "stupid" ( I hate that word!!!!!) But I would rather have a hyper friend than a moody friend don't you think? Maybe I AM immature, but I am not stupid. Maybe I'm just not independent enough...and that's something I would learn to change during the next few years of my college life. I've changed so much since high school...good and bad, but the changes are still pretty small compare to many others( I think).

I am so unhappy, why is that?? I've always thought school would be the most stressful thing, but it's not. Plus a lot of other small things add up to a big huge misery. I've planned and thought about a lot of things I were gonna do this year...but they seem to disappeared, and suddently I don't have anything to be happy about, or to look forward to.................

Since I can't express my thought with anyone, I guess telling the computer is the only way to feel better. Maybe I can put all the dissappointment on this page and forget everything, like putting the garbage away?? Maybe. Maybe this's a way so that I could sleep and dream about good things.


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